Forgiving: A path to forgiveness, healing, and freedom. “Forgive us our sin, as we forgive those who have sinned against us”. First and foremost, God cares about you and your person - it is in you that His grace, given lavishly is demonstrated to all of creation - it is His glorious grace that the unseen world is astonished by. It is His grace to us for salvation - by mercy expressed in His loving restraint, His patience and tolerance; and then His grace expressed in kindness for repentance (Romans 2).
Romans 5:9-11 “ 9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
God, the Good Shepherd is leading us on a path of righteousness, and on this arduous path, as difficult as it can be, we can trust, as His rod and His staff, the tools of the Good Shepherd and His ever-present care, is always there with me. Where does this path lead? Right through the valley of the shadow of death, and yet, I will fear NO evil - as the Shepherd’s guiding guides us from life to life while purging from us those things that are a remnant of death. So, what seems like death to me - is actually death to self, death to “my will, my way”, death to reliance on self, the world, or the world’s way.
The death we are called to die isn’t the death we used to fear, but is actually life, as this death is death to sin and sin’s evil effect (Isa 53:1; 1Pet 2:24-25), death to the flesh and its desires that lead to death - these mere shadows are not death itself, as “death has been swallowed up in victory” (1Cor 15:54)!
No, these shadows of death are the evils one’s attempt to distract us from the truth, that our death to self is actually life in Him (Mark 8:34), life in abundance (John 10:10) - and all of this for His name’s sake, that He and his mighty works of mercy would be renown (Ps 102:12). Therefore, this path is a good path, of goodness, to accomplish good, because He, His name, is good. From pastures to a table set before me to an eternity of goodness.
So let us come to trust, that what God wants for us, what He commands us, is good and will be good, as He is good.
God’s commands, even the most difficult, are for our good BECAUSE He cares for us, He wants us to flourish and bear fruit (John 15:1-17; Gal 5:22-23; 2Pet 1:8), He wants us free from bondage and sin - to live and walk in joy (John 8:31-32,36). So then, He gives us grace for living by His divine power (2Peter 1:3), remembering that our Father’s delight is to have this grace lavished upon us, working in us, and demonstrated by us, to show the riches of His mercy and grace to all who see. (Eph 2:4-10).
We can trust that God cares for us (Ps 38:18-22; 55:22; 95:7; 1Peter 5:7). God cares for the one we are struggling with; those who may not have lived up to our ideal; who have disappointed us, or even more so, may have deviated terribly from even our most basic expectations (of which there is no justification, no fault of one’s own. And yet, God would call us to forgive, to release them (from our minds and hearts), that we might (also) be freed from the hold their words and actions have had on us.
Forgive us as we forgive others who have sinned against us… With that, we must (also) ask ourselves: Have we lived up to our own ideal? Have we sinned against? Have we lost sight of God’s grace in us and through us? Have we forgotten God’s mercy toward us (Eph 2:4), even now, as His children, when our lives might not always reflect or represent our heavenly Father well (Eph 4:1; 5:1-2)?
A path to forgiving…
Self-examination and honesty with one’s self - plank and speck - working through our being sinner and how we would want to be treated, how we long to be forgiven. And this is the glory of God, who guides us, and who gives us life, life abundant, and who longs to free us from our debilitating fears, and our stubborn hearts.
Here is this God, this Good Shepherd, who is glorious, and Whose word will restore us and refresh our souls. (Ps 23; John 10:3-4,7,9,11,17-18). Turn to: Psalm 19
Here is what God, the Good Shepherd, lovingly commands us to do, to follow His example of being generous with mercy and forgiveness.
Aware, acknowledging, and accepting our own humanity and capacity to sin against another - the realization of my not deserving God’s mercy and grace, yet receiving them. John 3:16-8; Romans 2:1-4; Ephesians 2:1-10
Turn to: Luke 6:37-42
What kind of planks exist in our eyes? Psalm 51
Seeing someone else’s in and not ours
Unforgiveness and unbelief in the power of forgiveness
Lack of belief in God’s word that it can or will accomplish what it, He, promises
Holding a grudge. Holding fast against someone, refusing to let go
Predetermined (expectation) of response or results
Seeing their humanity, but not our own humanity
And what does this Good Shepherd call us to do? to imitate Him in the giving of comfort to others, to forgive. To comfort others the same comfort we have received: mercy and forgiveness, being honored, ascribed value by God (1Cor 2:1)
We can forgive, and should forgive. We can hope for better things, and should hope for better things. We can courageously allow God to ready us for His will to be accomplished in ways, that right now, we cannot imagine. In the meantime, humbly submit ourselves to His good leading, by His good word, to accomplish His good.
Progressing down a path to forgiveness:
Self-reflection - an honest appraisal of one’s self and my (own) ability to hurt others. Psalm 32:5; 51; Phil 2:1-11
Be willing to offer:
Mercy: To be merciful, (and to) forgive, is divine - showing ourselves to be a child of our Father - being patient with and bearing up another’s sin, especially against us, is being merciful toward them as God is me - Lu 6:36; Mat 12:7; 23:23; James 3:17
Empathize - using the results of our own honest self-assessment to put ourselves in the place of the other and ask ourselves: “How would I want to be treated here?” Matt 7:12; Luke 6:31; Gal 5:14; James 2:8 “Do I want to be forgiven when I sin?” If so, why? What does being forgiven do for me?
Sympathize - our hearts being sensitized, softened, toward another person. Mark 10:21
Compassion - wanting to release them, as well as myself, I am moved with a visceral feeling of deep concern for us both and am moved to make an attempt to relieve us both of the burden. Eph 4:32; Matt 14:14; 20:34; Mark 5:19; 6:34
Grace: the first grace being a willingness to forgive
Comfort - or - forgive, deeply, from the heart – 2Cor 1:3-5
Forgiveness: remember that forgiveness and healing is a process, it takes time, courageous willingness, and persistent effort. Expect the miraculous work of God in you as you forgive!
Forgiveness happens in layers - many times, it takes time, willingness, persistence, and
· Whether they sin against you the same way, many times
· Whether they sin against you in many ways, at many times
· Whether they have only sinned against one time, but it inflicted long-term issues that rear their head regularly
· Whether they have sinned against you, but you can’t let it go - so that every time it rears its head, it's as if it just happened
· They have sinned against you, and there are layers of depth of hurt that once one layer has been peeled back, there is another deeper or different layer
· They have sinned against us, but we are unable to see our own responsibility or sin in light of theirs - this may take time
Adjust our expectations - what is it that I can or should expect from this person?
Shattering the ideal: Base one’s expectations on the real, an honest and accurate understanding of the person to be forgiven.
Trusting God, His goodness, and His good and wise commands - we act accordingly. “Taste and see that the Lord is good”
How can I ever trust? We may not ever be able to trust a person who has proven themselves untrustworthy, but we can trust - God. So while we are called to forgive those who have sinned against us, it does not necessarily mean we “entrust” ourselves again to someone who continues to harm us. I entrust myself to no man because I know what is in a man.” Here’s the Paradox: people are depraved (Rom 1;3). Yet, love… “always trusts” (1Cor 13:7), it believes good of all until they have proven otherwise - but then, even if their words and actions have proven them not good, it still loves (agapeos) and it loves by wanting God’s’ best for them, because love, also, “always hopes”: that they, like you, would find forgiveness, peace with God, salvation and eternal life, and so, this love calls for us to love, to forgive as we have been forgiven, to free as we have been freed, to place them in the hands of God (by prayer and intention, and be free ourselves to go and walk in peace. So it is, that God commands us to love and forgive. (Prov 10:12; 1Pet 4:8; Luke 6:27-42; Matthew 18:15-17). And, His commands are always, good.
But we can, and should forgive. We can and should hope for better things. We can allow God to ready us for His will to be accomplished in ways, that right now, we cannot imagine. In the mean time, here’s a path to forgiveness:
Adjust our expectations - what is it that I can or should expect from this person?
Shattering the ideal
Base one’s expectations on the real, the accurate, and offer
Mercy
Grace
Forgiveness:
Healing is a process, it takes time, as does forgiveness
Empathize
Sympathize
Etc.
Now, can I, or, how can I, ever be reconciled? Maybe, hopefully, trusting God’s healing power in me, and His redeeming power in them, perhaps. Regardless, true and real healing, and any chance of reconciliation, will only come as we make God your refuge - resting in Him and His promises; receive His healing - which is rooted in the truth of His Person, Promise, and Power (the Holy Spirit’s work in you both) and who we are to Him, His dearly loved children.
You heal, they have not been redeemed - “I am confident in God, my identity is rooted in Him, I trust His leading and guiding, I will move forward as He heals me, deepens and strengthens my faith, builds my trust in Him His love for me, and will lay “this thing” and what to do at His feet, and move forward, as He exhibits His power in me to withstand and overcome my hurt and doubts, my fear and anxiety” (as God reminds us 365 times in His word, one way or another “do not be anxious… do not fear, do not be afraid… cast your anxiety on me, I care for you”
With all of this in mind, look back and remember, that at one time, I could not at all even consider the possibility of forgiving, then, God prompted me to try, and over time, God has been and is with me and I, with Him, can begin slowly, inch by inch, trust, and entrust to Him and His leading. As we move, we should not expect anything different from the one we are praying for, do not expose yourself to further abuse or neglect, keep a safe distance, but be willing to see change.
Pray - prayer bridges all gaps, soothes your own heart, allows you to agape from a needed distance, brings God’s perspective, God’s lenses to you to see what God sees
Consider the possibility
Do not project on to tomorrow how you feel today - God is working and will continue to work the miracle of healing, strengthening…
Repentance and reconciliation - if they do not rampant, treat them like a “sinner” Matthew 18:15-17, 21-35
How would God have us treat a “sinner”? We are not to be unequally yoked with them - to be in an “intimate” relationship of high influence and impact with them, but to pray for them and their salvation. In the meantime, we are to be aware of who and what they are, what it is that we can, or should, expect from them - that they will act according to their nature - to not be surprised. We are commanded to honor them with our hopes for them, to treat them with respect (1Pet 3) and the dignity afforded all persons made in God’s image. We are to love them as Jesus loved us and show them mercy as our Father has shown us mercy Matt 5; Luke 6). Whether that be close up in close proximity to them, or, from far away, a safe distance from any harmful effect they might have on us.
Remember, the freedom of YOUR heart has everything to do with whether you, we, will trust God’s kind wisdom and loving commands and obey - forgive - “from the heart”. Trust Him, trust His word, and let Him from you from the bondage of fear and unforgiveness, anger, resentment, and the root of bitterness. Truly, let go, and let God do what He promises to do - heal you, give you life and joy, in the hope of Jesus, as a dearly, dearly, loved child.
Give, as you have been given, that God may give you more - grace. Luke 6:38
Forgiveness can have several emotional, psychological, and even physical benefits, including:
1. Reduced Stress: Forgiving someone can reduce the stress and anxiety associated with holding onto anger and resentment. It can lead to a more relaxed and peaceful state of mind.
2. Improved Mental Health: Forgiveness is linked to improved mental health outcomes, including lower rates of depression and anxiety. It can lead to greater emotional well-being.
3. Enhanced Relationships: Forgiveness can repair and strengthen relationships by promoting understanding and empathy. It can create a healthier and more positive dynamic.
4. Increased Self-Esteem: Forgiving others can boost your self-esteem and self-worth, as it demonstrates your ability to rise above negative emotions and experiences.
5. Physical Health Benefits: Some studies suggest that forgiveness is associated with better physical health outcomes, such as lower blood pressure and reduced risk of heart disease.
6. Personal Growth: Forgiveness can be a catalyst for personal growth and development. It can lead to increased resilience and emotional maturity.
7. Reduced Negative Emotions: Letting go of anger, resentment, and bitterness can free you from the burden of these negative emotions, allowing you to experience more joy and positivity.
8. Inner Peace: Forgiveness often leads to a sense of inner peace and contentment, as it enables you to release the emotional baggage of past grievances.
9. Empowerment: Forgiveness can empower you by giving you control over your emotions and responses, rather than being controlled by anger or hurt.
It's important to note that forgiveness is a personal choice, and it doesn't mean condoning or excusing harmful behavior. It's about freeing yourself from the negative effects of holding onto anger and resentment. However, forgiveness can be a challenging process and may not be appropriate in all situations. It's a decision that should be made when you are ready and willing to engage in it.
Setting clear and healthy boundaries is crucial when attempting to reconcile with an abusive parent. These boundaries are designed to protect your emotional and physical well-being while allowing for the possibility of a healthier relationship. Here are some boundaries to consider:
1. Limited Contact: You can start by limiting the frequency and duration of your interactions with the abusive parent. This may mean reducing phone calls, visits, or communication to a manageable level.
2. No Tolerance for Abuse: Clearly communicate that abusive behavior will not be tolerated. Make it known that if abuse occurs, you will distance yourself or end the interaction.
3. Respect for Personal Space: Assert your need for personal space and privacy. Demand that your physical and emotional boundaries be respected.
4. Emotional Boundaries: Set boundaries around topics of conversation. Avoid discussing triggering or hurtful subjects if it's not conducive to a healthy interaction.
5. Supervised Visits: If you have safety concerns, you can arrange for supervised visits or interactions to ensure a safe environment for everyone involved.
6. Seek Professional Help: Make therapy or counseling a condition for reconciliation. Require that both parties participate in therapy to address underlying issues and improve communication.
7. Time-Outs: Establish a mechanism for taking a time-out or break during interactions if things become emotionally charged or abusive. Agree on a set process for reengaging after a break.
8. Consistency: Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries. Don't compromise on your self-respect or well-being to accommodate the other person.
9. Support System: Maintain a strong support system outside of the relationship. Lean on friends, family, or a therapist for emotional support and guidance.
10. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and emotional well-being. Reconciliation should not come at the expense of your mental and physical health.
Remember that setting boundaries may not guarantee a positive outcome, and reconciliation may not be possible or advisable in all situations. Your safety and well-being should always be your top priority, and you should be prepared to reevaluate and adjust your boundaries as needed. Consulting with a therapist or counselor can be particularly helpful in navigating these complex dynamics and setting appropriate boundaries.
Forgiveness happens in layers - many times, it takes time, willingness, persistence, and
Whether they sin against you the same way, many times
Whether they sin against you in many ways, at many times
Whether they have only sinned against one time, but it inflicted long-term issues that rear their head regularly
Whether they have sinned against you, but you can’t let it go - so that every time it rears its head, it's as if it just happened
They have sinned against you, and there are layers of depth of hurt that once one layer has been peeled back, there is another deeper or different layer
They have sinned against us, but we are unable to see our own responsibility or sin in light of theirs - this may take time
